caurque | thoughts

It is currently an ungodly 3AM in the morning, which makes this entry the most unprecedented thing I've done in a couple weeks now.

I'm washed out. I've been studying so hard, so, so, so hard, yet I can't seem to see the fruits of my labour. It's been about one and a half months now since I started studying for promos, yet the amount of time I've spent trying to improve is completely disproportionate to the actual, tangible magnitude of improvement seen. I don't know. I've never felt so stupid before. Perhaps it is a matter of pride - perhaps I have pinned too high an expectation on myself. I keep comparing my studies now to my studies in Crescent, and I find myself severely lacking.

But studies aren't everything. I used to believe that, but it's difficult to believe now. NJC really has changed me - it's made me more aware, more self-conscious, and infinitely more proud. It has also eroded me; my personality, my attitude towards life. When did my academics ever take such precedence? I hate it. I hate studying. I don't want to do it. But I have to, and it's the fear within me that stops me from doing what I would have done last year, which was to do what made me happy.

NJC hasn't been all bad, though! My friendships with my classmates, though unsteady at best in the beginning, have begun to blossom and stabilise, and I really enjoy being with them. I've become exponentially more fit, and my tolerance for idiots has undoubtedly improved. I still don't regret joining NJC, but I do regret allowing myself to dig such a deep hole for myself that I can't climb out of it no matter how hard I try.

I just wish promos would end now.